Sendusout

Earlier this week, I finished the book Always Enough by Rolland & Heidi Baker. In the book, Heidi describes an encounter with God where she experienced the heavenly fire of God falling on her. “I was so hot I literally thought I was going to burn up and die. I remember crying out , “Lord, I’m dying!” I heard the Lord clearly speak to my heart, “Good I want you dead!” He wanted me completely emptied of self so He could pour even more of His Spirit into my life.” That experience was a turning point that changed Heidi’s life and the ministry God had for her in Mozambique. After that time, they have experienced amazing revival in this country. In one of the last chapters, she talks about letting God’s love transfo! rm you. About laying your life down and letting God be God. About being “the sacrifice that God ignites with His love.” That God is looking for people to carry His glory to the nations, but that you have to be dead in order to carry it. Dead to yourself and so in love with God that you are willing to do anything for Him. To see His face, to know His love, this is the place of intimacy where all fruitfulness flows.

I wept through this chapter, realizing more and more how much I still need to know God, to see Jesus, to be filled with His Spirit. I want to experience God’s love like that, to be overwhelmed by His love so much I am willing to do anything. To carry that love with me daily, here in Nampa and beyond. Recoginzing my need to know God like that if I ever hope to be the person I long to be. Knowing that there is no point in God sending me out unless my complete reliance is upon Him. So I told God I was willing to die. I asked God to transform me. I asked God to fill me up with His love, to let m! e see Hi s face. I sat on my couch for an hour, and nothing much happened. Go figure.

Then Tuesday Elanor was due. I was so sure she was going to come early. Needless to say, that did not happen. It is now Friday and she is still kicking me and I’m still waiting. I have to admit I have not waited so graciously. I’ve cried, I’ve been frustrated, I’ve been angry. My “goals are being blocked” left and right. And I’ve been worried that I didn’t walk enough with this pregnancy and that I’ll go 2 weeks over as with Isaiah and end up with another C-section. Each day I go from hopeful expectation that today will be the day, to frustration, to resignation. Needless to say, I have not been the best Mom or wife at times through all of this. Tonight before I went to bed I sat on our back patio and brewed about it and went to bed fairly grumpy. I woke up a couple hours later, achy and uncomfortable, as pregneant women every where can relate to. And unfort! unatley my sleep had done nothing to disipate my bad mood. As I lay there, I realized that I could not wake up another morning angry. So I began to pray, to repent, to forgive, and to realize how selfish I’ve been all week. And how I’ve felt fully justified in my selfishness and anger. And I realized that this was part of dying. That I had to make a choice. That I had to give it all up, that I had to let go of my rights. And I cried. This is not how I wanted to die. I didn’t want this much responsibility. I want the “overwhelmed by God’s love” part, not the “you have to make a choice” part. But there is both. Being a living sacrifice is not easy, but God gives us no other choice. Less of us and more of Him. I love Him enough and want to know Him so desperately, that it is worth the cost. After all these years of knowing Him I feel like I still know so little. Please pray that as we prepare to go to the Philippines, that God will do His work in ! me. That He will be filling me up and continuing to change me! daily. That I will know more of His love and that I will carry that love to my husband and my precious children first of all, and then into the world around me. And that I will trust in His timing, even with Elanor. I still hope she comes soon. We’ll keep you posted.